Worry

I have always been a bit of a worrier. When I was younger I worried that I would be late to class, that my car would get a flat or that I would lose my job. I found that with a little positive self talk I could stop the fear that would make my heart race. Then I had kids and realized that my previous fears were mere wisps in the wind. Who knew having children could be such a terrifying yet exhilarating experience?

Last night my baby had a bout of stomach upset and while my husband and I cared for him and tried to keep him comfortable I couldn’t stop my worry. Could this be a simple tummy bug or is this a horrible disease? If I fell asleep after Jeremy went to bed would I hear him if he was sick in the middle of the night? Was I doing the right thing in taking a wait and see approach or should I call the Dr. RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE? You would think that with my second child I would be a bit more seasoned and not as quick to jump to the “what if” thoughts but the fear I had as a new mom is still there. Jeremy woke up this morning as hale and hearty as usual, having kicked whatever bug he had. Mom and Dad, on the other hand, are still feeling like we are walking on eggshells, waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop.

Motherhood has changed me. I don’t mean in just the physical way of bags under the eyes and the stretch marks. I am more cautious, the world is a more dangerous place and fear seems to lurk around every corner. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 4 years- since I was pregnant with my first child. I used to be able to sleep like the dead and now the slightest noise will wake me up. Ironically, I wake up in the middle of the night if I don’t hear anything from my kids. There has been many a night where I am in their room at 3am, just checking on their breathing, replacing covers, and placing a kiss on their foreheads. Does this instinct ever end? My parents used to tell me when I would balk about my curfew time that they could not go to sleep until they heard my car pull in the driveway. I always thought that sounded so dumb, what did they think would happen to me? Now that I am a mother I realize that this world is fraught with dangers and until we know our kids are under our roof and under our care again we don’t ever really stop holding our breath.

Of course I don’t believe that life as a parent is one of constant terror. My children help me slow down and appreciate the little things in life. Don’t rush off to another appointment instead watch a spider build a web. Chores can wait while you make silly faces and jokes. Laughing until you cry is something you should every single day. Life goes by so fast and it never hurts to stop, take a deep breath, push the worry away and appreciate what is in front of you- the beauty of a flower, the Elmo song (for the 100th time) or the blessing of strong, healthy kids.